Ranting: Clueless!

I am clueless about life. I don’t know where I want to go and what I want to do. It’s not like I don’t have goals in my life but most of the times I question myself is it worth it?

Apparently I look normal but  something is gnawing me deep inside which I have no clue of. This uncertainty is just melting away my vigor, my optimism in fact my whole being. I feel like a speck of dust in this immense universe who is useless, worthless and colossal failure.

Being clueless is not what I am proud of. I am not and I don’t know how it has crept into my system. Probably because I am far away from achieving my aim. Is it because of my fear or my habit of procrastination? I do know the answer but I don’t want to accept it.

I feel like my existence has no significance in this huge world

I am just a speck of dust in this immense universe

Every day is like a struggle for me

I am on a quest of nowhere

The self-realization is obscured under the burden of bafflement

Don’t know how long will it take me to find my path of self-discovery, my path of self-realization!

 

 

Advertisements

Television; bad habit or a way-out on my bizarre days!

Some day you feel good but some days are just simply boring. You lie on a couch, having a remote on one hand and your eyes fixed on television while you are constantly changing channels.  It just seems life has

Television: an addiction or way-out

Television: an addiction or way-out

reached at static state where you have nowhere to go. Yesterday was one of these days when I felt weary. Each part of my body was aching even though I had not exercise for a week.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my studies are over and I was so fed up of my job that I left it. Don’t ask a word how bad I feel now!! I remember my mother advised me not to make a hasty decision regarding job but I was on some high road that I didn’t listen my mother and even my father. They are very sweet as they always support me. Actually not always but especially from past four years; they finally realized I would not listen to them and do as I wished to do so why sweat? I do love my parents and also love my sister; my only sibling who is going to be married on December this year. It’s an exciting moment but still yesterday I felt a regular day which I used to feel when I didn’t achieve any goal in my life.

So, how to cope with all of my boredom and emotional turbulence? I reconnected with my old love and that is Television! People waste their time watching television just like me. I had a bad memory but I do remember that I always loved to watch TV; I was a movie buff and nobody could make me to do any work while watching movie. However, sadly this was not once in a week, in my free times I watched a lot of movies so that made every other day I suppose. So basically I wasted a lot of time; in my student years when I was in tenth grade and had my board exam paper I loved watching TV; even during 12th grade exams I had not prepared well for my papers but instead of studying , I prefer watching dramas or any stupid movie between gaps  in the board exam. Though every time I did make a decision to end this habit but on every exam I used to forget my commitment and fall for an idiot box. So my relation with television is quite old; in times of tension I start watching TV no matter what kind of shows  are broadcast or any flop movie is being telecast I usually sit like a couch potato and watch the whole show.  There were many times when instead of doing my job, I tried to run away and my best partner in crime or my excuse was TV.  Even while travelling I wasted my time watching television. Once I had to board plane in morning with family so in spite of helping my mother and sister with packing, I switched on the television and started watching mindless show just to release my tension. Yes! Its true I am afraid of airplanes or maybe I am afraid of travelling either it’s on plane or bus or rickshaw. Well the fear of travelling is just another issue which I will discuss some other time. For now, I just want to focus on my stress releaser that is television.  Moreover this is not all, when I used to go to work I watched TV most of the night in order to calm myself from all the troubles at my workplace.

It was a best medium for me to run away from my basic responsibilities or to cope with my emotional instability.  At times, I am free and there is a lot which goes in my mind so sometimes I want to just shut my brain off from thinking too much…When I feel friendless I find TV as a comforter where I can just zone out for a while by watching mindless entertainment. Going through a setback in life because of my stupid decisions which failed me in my career or life so instead of getting up and do something constructive, I feel so disheartened and I am scared to start over again. So not to face that kind of failure I feel content on watching TV because for me it’s best way to avoid any conflict in life. Maybe it’s a best way to escape from life’s predicaments.

Nevertheless, I was wrong because TV is an entertainment, one can watch for few hours to get relax but thinking it as a stress reliever is a bad idea.  It’s an absolute wastage of time and energy as well.  Does it givebnbt58_88 you any kind of benefit? Let’s just assume it gives you information in the form of news and infotainment, so yes at times it does, but that is just for a short while. Life does not revolve around television because it will only give you information but not food on your table, not even wash your dishes or clothes;  it cannot become your friend or let’s say it relieves you but that is for the time being and after that what will happen?  Your head starts spinning and a tinge of pain swelled up in your head that becomes unbearable to endure.  Besides it not only deteriorates health, it takes half part of your life. What happens when I turn old age and look back at my life to know that only I have learnt that how to make weddings entertaining or how to free a soul from evil spell by watching mindless morning shows; to add more, how in most of the Pakistani dramas show damsel in distress beautiful with spotless character who are ultimately saved by some charmer just like in Humsafar, however mostly I watched because of Fawad khan J as I found him cute. Rather I want to enjoy my own life and I want to remember my life’s own interesting experiences and smile over without any regret.

I know it’s easy to adapt bad habits and excessive of any bad habit can ruin anyone’s life. Therefore as a starter, I am coming to terms to initiate on slow basis; and have started to focus on broader aspects of life. Because I don’t want that my hairs turn grey without witnessing any excitement in my life. I want to live each moment of life and feel it.

Work-stress syndrome during workplace

Is it me or is it really the phenomenon of life? You have a dream, a dream that drives you to move ahead. A dream which you think is the sole purpose of your life… It’s like you born for this dream and if it isn’t

Caution:Suffering from Work stress--Online

Caution:Suffering from Work stress–Online

fulfilled; you find your life meaningless. However, in the process of your journey of your life, your dream and your only passion becomes a reality… and voila! Everything should fall in place. But ironically it is not the case with me.

Stress has become a part of my life. I gradually start forgetting a lot of things for instance, today a girl  in a van asked me about my university thesis topic and for an instant I could not remember…My memory was just blocked for a while and after little thinking I was able to memorize the subject of my thesis. Why this happened and what is the reason? I am always stressed out and thinking continuously that tomorrow what I will be doing? The reasons of my tension are various but let me categorize a few;

Firstly, I have a problem in writing Urdu, although it is my national language but when you have a long gap so definitely you do forget language. And especially when it comes to writing.

Secondly, the environment, a core reason of course… I do not understand why in office everyone is so arrogant and weird!!! Truly nothing is like home and I can only understand the worth after going to office…

Thirdly, I have no clue of what to do next!! This is a professional world and no one is here to spoon-feed you but still it’s been 10 days and I have no clear hint of whether to do news package daily or twice a week…

Working on something which is your dream and passion really make it easy. As the saying goes ‘if you love your work, so every day is a party’, but if I analyse myself, its complete opposite….

I stutter, mince words and cannot focus on my work and the signs show that I am in deep trouble. The work is slowly going to my head and everything around seems hazy. Even though knowing the worse, I could not stop my mind of over-thinking which is only deteriorating my health and my mind gradually!!!! Oh God! I am stung by work-stress syndrome and this is licking me up like a termite…I I want to feel happy and embrace the world with open arms…I just want to feel good again and I hope that I could overcome my syndrome..some day!

Renovation of house-a way to ‘tiny little freedom’

This is not an article for how to renovate your house; this is just a post to share my experience of actually what happens when you are renovating your house.

Renovation-current state of my room

What is one like when you have to sit in one room, with no contact outside and you cannot even watch television because your house is in the phase of renovation? It is really not a good view as there is nothing much to do except reading and reading, which I think is not bad for a person like me; but then your surroundings matter a lot while reading.

My whole house has turned upside down with all the stuffs scattered here and there; it is like sudden jolt hit my home and creates a topsy-turvy state.    Every day, when labors arrive; this is always early at morning; I have to lock myself in one room and if I do not have to go anywhere, it just makes it better (read: worse). I was always against the idea of renovation; though it is good for home to bring a new life but then meanwhile you have to sacrifice your sleeping place, ‘me time’; hence with benefits come some ‘unwanted perks’ 🙂 that you are simple not ready to embrace it with a happy face.  You cannot walk freely from one room to another because of the cement work on the floors that can be destroyed if you walk continuously over there. Then non-stop noise of the labors who cannot converse in low-tone voice, even if it’s a simple conversation between them, they speak so loudly that you can hear from faraway. You have to sacrifice your personal space and cannot wear your casual attire, especially in the apartment where the rooms are so closed to each other that if you want to roam around, you will come across with any of these workers. Your washroom is used by these workers and after every two hours, they want tea (though this is a bit over exaggeration).

There are many bad points which I can count on the tip of my fingers, but every coin has two sides. So, there is a good side of it as well. If  I am in home, so I can sleep as much as I want because there is nothing to do 🙂 I can sit on my laptop and my mother is not there to scold me;  in the meantime, my kitchen is also not in the condition to be used, and thanks to ‘take aways’ that I do not have to starve myself, rather I can eat as much as I want and this is one of the best excuses I can make for not eating my ‘regular meal’.  They seem small but this little freedom I really cherish.

However, the excitement of having a renewed room is something I am looking forward to, because all this will not matter when finally I will step into my more refined room, having old furniture of course :).No,  my parents are not so generous to buy everything new, for now it’s just floors and walls. On other hand, the more bizarre work is to set the house again; I know this is not the exciting part—hope to get over soon with this nightmare 🙂

Knack for Writing

I always believe that I have a skill of writing but as soon I enter this field, my whole false hopes vanish away instantly.

I know, I can do it! But what "knack" means??

There are two types of writer; one who is God-gifted and the other one who has to work on their writing. Unfortunately I belong to the latter one, the one who has to work hard to add extra zest to my writing ability.

However, as it is said that for my kind of writers, it is important to read and read a lot of books, magazines, newspapers which I do not religiously follow. To write something, you need to have information about that subject which will not come to your mind through telepathy (although I wish it could be possible). You have to research thoroughly on the particular subject and I cannot focus on one thing for long. Seems like I cannot concentrate on one subject at a time and this happens due to my laid back nature that always put me in troubles.

After thorough investigation, you need to jot down the points together after brainstorming and this is really tough because until and unless you are not clear about the topic, you will be unable to define your subject.

I may not be God-gifted but I really love to write just like other writers. I know I am not good enough but I hope that with each day, I will learn to write someday.

You Can Never Be A Good Journalist!

“You can never be a good journalist,” said my course in-charge to me while inquiring about my absence from the class. Though it seemed normal but the impact was enormous. I began to think that why she said this to me?It’s because I did not have the guts to come up myself and ask about her presence for tomorrow or it was due to my coward behavior as stated by her.

Journalist 'at work'

Over the time, I realized it’s true because as a journalist, it is important to be strong and accept your fault with head held high;not only accept it but also rectify it. Deadlines are important in a reporter’s life, you have to complete your story in a time period and if you cannot deliver so you are considered unprofessional. I am not good at following my deadlines and this is not a good trait.

Although these kinds of harsh statements made by our teachers are not to de-motivate us because this is a learning phase for us. Professional life is much callous than the remarks given by our lecturers. But then I do not understand why the practical life is so harsh. Every person is not of same nature though some take these inconsiderate remarks in the positive stride but few are there who just fall back to the ground and give up.

I do know that I won’t fall back and this is one of the lessons which I will always remember because there are few words which just stay with you forever and this is one of them.

I Am A Procrastinator!!

'Not so good feeling' for unfinished tasks

Yes! I procrastinate who puts off important tasks behind for the less significant ones. I always think that I will do this work ‘properly’ tomorrow and that correct time never comes.  Let me elaborate a bit more, I have a habit of doing the work from the start for which I try to make big plans but since the plans are unachievable, I fail miserably.  I think that I will complete my work within the deadline but since I am accustomed to my imaginary perfectionism that I completely make a mess of myself. I also read that one of the reasons for the writer’s block is Procrastination as well; Great! Now this says it all…

It is not new; I remember that even in my school days I use to learn my lessons at the end of my term for which I also have to bear the wrath of my mother. Why I do this? I have no idea and maybe I have actually never thought about it. The practice of leaving it for last moment has actually rooted in my nature and it has become part of my personality. It is never a deliberate effort and I really want to get rid of this. I have endured the consequences of my habit and it is not a good record to share (sheepish smile).

It’s not like I never try to fight with this habit but fortunately my work comes out great in the times of urgency. I am not happy to be (what you call) lazy. Every year I make plans to tackle this habit of mine but all in vain because next year there are more plans to work on. I am not proud of it in fact I really wish to overcome and I am hoping that next month I will beat this! 🙂